When not attempting to destroy Mazinger Z and conquer the world with his army
of mechanical brutes, Doctor Hell (MD, PhD, DDS)
is a syndicated advice columnist who brings his scientific and technological
knowledge to the emotional and psychological problems that plague our everyday
lives.
Dear Doctor Hell:
I'm 16 and in high school and lately everything I do gets me in trouble. My
father disapproves of my clothes, my music, my friends, and even my boyfriend.
It sure seems I can't do anything right these days. Do you have any advice?
Troubled in Tulsa
DEAR TROUBLED:
ADOLESCENCE IS A DIFFICULT TIME FOR BOTH PARENTS AND
THEIR CHILDREN. MY ADVICE IS TO BUILD A GIANT SUPER-MECHANICAL ROBOT MONSTER AND
USE IT TO DESTROY YOUR ENEMIES UTTERLY.
Dr. Hell;
My brother-in-law recently lost his job (again). He has used and abused the
hospitality of all our other relatives, and I have a strong suspicion that he
will be asking to "crash at our place" for an indefinite period. The
trouble is our apartment is much too small for us, our children, our dogs, let
alone a freeloading in-law. My wife wants to tell him "no way" but is
finding it hard to deal with guilty feelings. What's the best way out of this
situation?
Confused in Cincinnati
DEAR CONFUSED:
ECONOMIC UPS AND
DOWNS ARE A FACT
OF MODERN LIFE. THE ONLY REAL
SOLUTION IS TO SECRETLY CONSTRUCT AN ARMY OF POWERFUL GIANT ROBOTS, PREFERABLY
EQUIPPED WITH DEATH RAYS AND
MISSILES, AND USE THEM TO CONQUER THE WORLD.
LET ME KNOW HOW THINGS TURN OUT.
Dear Doctor Hell:
I'm seeing a guy and he seems really nice. We have been dating for three months
and so far everything is perfect. My only concern is his secretive behavior. I
don't know where he works, who his friends or family are, or even where he
lives, exactly. My friends tell me there's something fishy about the whole
affair, but my heart tells me to stand by my man. Should I confront my beau and
get the truth or not?
Curious in Concord
DEAR CURIOUS:
TRUST IS AN ESSENTIAL ELEMENT OF ANY RELATIONSHIP. IF YOUR BOYFRIEND IS
UNWILLING TO EXTEND THAT TRUST TO YOU, BY ALL
MEANS ACTIVATE YOUR ARMY OF CYBORG SLAVES AND
COMMAND THEM TO OCCUPY ALL THE STRATEGIC
AREAS IN THE METROPOLITIAN AREA. WITH THE CITY
PARALYZED, NOTHING CAN HALT YOUR ATTACK ON THE SCIENCE CENTER, AND
SOON THE SECRET OF Z-ALLOY WILL BE YOURS.
Dear Dr. Hell:
My wife and I have been happily married for fifteen years. Lately, though,
things have changed. She's been strangely distant to me, she's been spending a
lot of time on internet chat rooms and on business trips. She's been receiving
gifts and flowers from 'anonymous admirers' and I don't want to sound
suspicious, but the many hang-up phone calls we've been receiving aren't making
me feel any better. Set me straight, Dr. Hell. Am I being paranoid, or is my
wife having an affair?
Disturbed in Duluth
DEAR DISTURBED:
MARITAL FIDELITY IS THE CORNERSTONE OF OUR SOCIETY AND
SHOULD NOT BE QUESTIONED LIGHTLY. ONCE YOUR ARMY OF MECHANICAL MONSTER ROBOTS HAS
SWEPT ALL OPPOSITION FROM THE SKIES, ALL
THAT REMAINS IS TO WIPE OUT THE POCKETS OF RESISTANCE THAT WILL NATURALLY FORM
AROUND MILITARY BASES, STRATEGIC LOCATIONS SUCH AS BRIDGES OR DAMS, AND
OF COURSE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH INSTITUTES. LUCKILY YOUR SUPER ROBOTS WILL OF
COURSE BE EQUIPPED WITH EVERY FORM OF
DESTRUCTION OUR TWISTED SCIENCE CAN FORMULATE - PARTICLE BEAMS, FLAME
PROJECTORS, EXTENSIBLE BATTERING-RAM LIMBS, AND
ROCKET-PROPELLED FISTS. AND DON'T
FORGET, IN THE HANDS OF A SUPER-MECHANICAL MONSTER ROBOT, EVEN PRIMITIVE
WEAPONS LIKE SWORDS AND CLUBS CAN BE USED TO
GREAT ADVANTAGE. WITH ANY LUCK, THE SHATTERED REMNANTS OF MANKIND WILL HAVE NO
CHOICE BUT TO SUBMIT TO YOUR EVERY WHIM.
Dr. Hell:
I'm currently in the process of constructing my own super-mechanical giant
robot. Up until now assembly has been picture-perfect - even the robot's laser
eyes and forehead drill were no problem to install. However, I'm having some
serious troubles with the universal joint assembly in the third armature
framework's positive feedback power supply arrangement. Can you give a novice
monster-robot builder some tips?
Stuck in Stovington
DEAR STUCK:
I'M TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE WITH RELATIONSHIP AND
EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS HERE, NOT ACT AS A "ASK ANDY" FOR BACKYARD
MECHANICS. PLEASE DON'T WASTE MY TIME WITH
QUESTIONS OF THIS NATURE.
HOWEVER, YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT UNIVERSAL JOINT ASSEMBLIES IN THE THIRD
ARMATURE ARE ESSENTIALLY POINTLESS. IN ANY TRUE
GIANT-ROBOT COMBAT SITUATION THE SLIGHT INCREASE IN RANGE OF MOTION BROUGHT
ABOUT BY THIS UNIVERSAL JOINT WILL BE MORE THAN COUNTERED BY YOUR OPPONENT'S
POWERFUL ROCKET PUNCH OR THE SLASHING CUT OF THE SHARPENED WING OF HIS JET
SCRAMBLER, OR, HEAVEN FORBID, THE IRRESTIBLE DESTRUCTION OF THE BREAST FIRE
HEAT BEAM. I WOULD CONCENTRATE ON MORE
POWERFUL WEAPONS SYSTEMS AND LEAVE FULL
MOTION TO THOSE ROBOTS THAT AREN'T CONCERNED WITH WORLD DOMINATION. LET ME KNOW
HOW IT TURNS OUT.
Dr. Hell’s column appears every week in 87 newspapers
worldwide. He is NOT a medical doctor,
and yet millions have found his advice helpful.
If you have a question for Dr. Hell, feel free to contact him at: Doctor Hell, Hell
Island, Somewhere In The Ocean, or
email him care of Let’s Anime via terebifunhouse@gmail.com.
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