Saturday, December 1, 2007

the fake Nadia episode guide

(this fake episode guide originally appeared in LET’S ANIME #1, published in 1992. It is completely false in every way, and was written because anime fandom at the time simply could not shut up about that stupid show. Of course nowadays nobody remembers it at all. Ha ha.)

NADIA EPISODE GUIDE: SECRET OF BLUE WATER

Editor’s note: In order to conform to a little-known provision of the recent nuclear arms proliferation treaties with the Soviet Union, it has been decided that every Japanese anime fanzine MUST feature an episode guide to the recent NHK anime series ‘Nadia in the Mysterious Ocean’s Blue Waters of the Sea of Questionable Mystery Challenge of the $23,000 Pyramid”, that lovable series that captured the hearts of lonely Miyazaki wannabes everywhere. So, in order to do our part to bring about World Peace and Niceness, here we go.

EPISODE ONE: “A GIRL, A TOWER, A JEWEL, THE INDIGESTION OF LOVE’S MIGHTY FLAME!!”

In Paris, 1888, nothing happens.

One year later, during the 1889 Paris World’s Exposition, a young inventor named Jean-Claude van Paul-Jacques-Louis Robespierre Napoleon XVIII, along with his aging mentor “Pops” Racer, sail up the Seine in a rented barge, eager to attend the latest meeting of the Paris chapter of the “Man Was Never Meant To Fly” club and show off their newest anti-flying machine. Meanwhile, the Impressionist painter Claude Monet awakens with intestinal gas pains and decides not to attend the Exposition after all, which is good since he isn’t in this series anyway. Taking a break from the hilarious festivities of men who never meant to fly, Jean-Paul visits the Eiffel Tower and meets a mysterious young girl named Nadia Skywalker, sole possessor of a powerful mysterious gem of mystery and danger, the Hope Diamond. However, she trades the Hope in for another gem, the “Blue Water Of 1000 Flushes”. Nadia is also the last descendant of the royal family of the lost city of Laputa, and as such is being chased by the evil government agent Special Mooska (oops, wrong show)… is the last descendant of the lost city of ATLANTIS, and is being chased by special agent 0073 Grandes “Chesty” Morgan and her two henchmen Inky and Dinky. In a fierce confrontation atop the Eiffel Tower, Nadia runs away.

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The very next day Nadia is captured by Grandes in her big transforming Japanese robot, but is rescued by Jean, who points out quite rightly in a line later edited from the final version that the things haven’t even been invented yet.

Meanwhile, Nikolai Tesla discovers that strange radio emissions from the planet Mars are interrupting his weekly recordings of the broadcasts of Casey Kasem’s “American Top 40”.

EPISODE TWO:
Rerun of episode one.

EPISODE THREE: “GODZILLA VERSUS THE RIDDLE OF THE SEA MONSTERS!!!!!”

Due to the rerun it was never shown, but in episode two it was revealed that Nadia, actually the Crown Prince of Austria-Hungary in disguise, was trying to keep the beginning of the First World War on schedule by sending compromising photographs of British Prime Minister Palmerston to the New York Daily Post. As WWI begins on schedule twenty five years later, it seems to have worked. Meanwhile the nuclear submarine Polaris destroys Grandes’ mechanical device, forcing her to rely on her backup mecha, a Gundam Mark II, to capture Nadia and return her to the Czechoslovakian Olympic Gymnastics Team in time to humiliate the Americans at the 1976 Olympics. However, Jean-Claude Debussy renders the Gundam suit useless by sending it repeated transmissions of public service announcements by the President’s Commission On Physical Fitness. Meanwhile, a young Mary Lou Retton watches in horror.

Captain Nemo, owner of a large seafood restaurant chain, gets disgusted with bad table manners and decides to retaliate with his very own atomic sub. He captures Nadia and Jean-John as they vacation at Club Med, and plans to use the Blue Water to increase tourist attendance at the “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea” ride at Disneyworld, but is told by an irate Michael Eisner to “go soak his head.” Meanwhile in Vienna, a young Adolph Hitler warns the Academy if they don’t let him study painting, he’ll start World War Two.

Later, Jean forgets to tie his shoe, trips over the lace, and dies, but is revived by Nadia and the Blue Water gem.

EPISODE FOUR:
This is a rerun of episode two, which was a rerun of episode one. New scenes of Nixon’s resignation speech are added to up the ratings.

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EPISODE FIVE: “A REAL WORKOUT FOR THE NAUTILUS!”
In 1991 Tokyo, NHK screenwriters Haro Genki and Hawaya Nistamicha are fired for their atrocious pun. Meanwhile back in 1889 Europe, Russia and Japan begin the Russo-Japanese War twelve years ahead of schedule, completely pre-empting the Spanish-American War. This forces William Randolph Hearst to fill his newspapers with old reprints of excerpts from Issac Asimov’s autobiography. Disgusted with the print medium, the American public waits impatiently for the miracle of television. On board the Nautilus, Electra discovers she is pregnant, which is curious since she doesn’t have sex until episode 22. This is news to Captain Nemo, who has been busy attacking the South Pacific Lodge of the Benevolent And Protective Order Of Special Mooses, to gain control of their valuable supplies of cheap imitation gimmicks, not to mention gee-gaws, knick-knacks, and bric-a-brac. Meanwhile in Boston, Jean and Nadia open a small boutique, which does well until it’s destroyed by Grandes and her pals Chester and Joe in their new mecha, the SDF-1 Macross.

In the ensuing battle Jean trips over a speed bump and dies, but Nadia brings him back to life with the secret powers of the Blue Water gem and a good five cent fountain Coca-Cola.

EPISODES SIX TO TWENTY-ONE:
Reruns of episodes #1 and #2 edited together with clips from the 1991 TV movie “Knight Rider 2000” along with highlights of recent episodes of “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. Hosted by Lorne Green and special musical guests, the Judds.


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EPISODE TWENTY TWO: “YAMATO! WHAP THAT MOTHER!”
Grandes discovers her investments in IBM stock and Hartford Mutual have led to holdings of over ten million francs, which in real money is about twelve dollars. Incensed, she attacks Jean and Nadia, now living in a ramshackle apartment in Duluth, with both the Grandizer and Great Mazinger robots, but is staggered with Jean counterattacks by revealing his true identity of Devilman and ripping her head off, in the process discovering that Grandes was really Count Decapita in drag, the real Grandes being on vacation.

Meanwhile on board the Nautilus Electra gives birth to twins, discovering that she was merely the surrogate mother to embryos which are the love children of Jackie Onassis and former New York Yankees shortstop and Money Store spokesman Phil Rizzuto. Electra gives them up for adoption and promises to pay more attention to her reproductive organs next time.

Captain Nemo, searching for his lost tube of moustache wax, discovers a laser-disc of the Doris Wishman film “Bad Girls Go To Hell”. This he uses in his attack against the North Atlantic chapter of the Liberace fan club, which retaliates by transmitting episodes of “Dark Shadows” with annoying audio drops happening about every ten seconds. Since television has yet to be invented, neither side is harmed.

Jean falls off a moving U-Haul truck, breaks his neck, and dies, but Nadia revives him with the Blue Water gem and several kilos of pure, uncut hashish.

EPISODES TWENTY-THREE TO THIRTY-SIX:
These episodes were replaced by reruns of episodes three, seven, nine, and sixteen, edited together and introduced by Sally Jesse Raphael, with a new soundtrack by the Bay City Rollers.

EPISODE THIRTY-SEVEN: “THERE SHE WAS JUST A WALKIN’ DOWN THE STREET, SINGIN’ DOO-WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DOO.”
This is actually an episode of “Rat Patrol” with voices from “Secret Of Blue Water” dubbed over; the result of a night of heavy drinking over at Streamline Pictures. In Japan this was replaced by reruns of “Fairy Princess Minky Momo” with voices dubbed in from “Fist Of The North Star” and introduced by the cast of “Kamen Rider Super-One” and Carl Macek’s brother Skippy The Glow Attorney.

EPISODE THIRTY-EIGHT: “RESOLUTION OF THE SEVEN HUNDRED REAL ESTATE BROKERS BEFORE THE COMING BATTLE!!!”
Nadia, revealed as Princess Anastasia of the royal family of Imperial Russia, escapes the Bolshevik Revolution by not being there; her alterations shop in the rear of JC Penneys in Bossier City Louisiana is destroyed when Grandes and the entire cast of “Urusei Yatsura”, brainwashed into believing that Nadia is actually Madoka from “Orange Road”, attack with giant robots from “Dougram”, “L. Gaim”, “Xabungle”, and “Psycho Armor Govarion, in the process completely wrecking the Pecanland Mall. Nadia escapes in a Federal Express truck, while Jean rams a Lockheed C-5A cargo jet into Grandes’ Cross Your Heart bra, causing a massive atomic explosion. The secret society of “guys with pointy masks” attacks the Nautilus, destroying it completely, which depresses Captain Gloval (whoops, wrong show) Captain NEMO, until he realizes that he’s got another one safe at home in the garage.

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After the nuclear blast, Jean trips on a pebble and dies; Nadia revives him with the Blue Water gem and several back issues of “The Stark Fist Of Removal.”

EPISODE THIRTY-NINE: “THREE MILLION BUCKS OF WHITEY’S ICE; AND BABY… THAT’S COLD!”

The entire remnant of the continent of Atlantis, along with the secret society of “guys with pointy masks” and the Omaha chapter of the Cartoon/Fantasy Organization, attacks Nadia, Jean, and the Nautilus with a robot double of Nadia’s long lost twin brother Shecky, who recites bad poetry and has questionable table manners. Jean takes a 75-millimeter howitzer blast to the sternum and dies, but is revived by Nadia and the Blue Water gem along with a free trial subscription to National Geographic Magazine. The Nautilus becomes a transforming robot that is subsequently taken over by Grandes, who, in her new Maidenform bra, dreams she conquers the world, until her companions Frank and Steve thwart her plans by declaring their undying love for each other and purchasing a condo together.

Jean uses his new flying machine to escape the battle but is shot down and killed by a particle beam fired from an orbiting “Star Wars” death-ray laser. However, Nadia revives him with the Blue Water gem and a coupon for fifty cents off any dessert item at Dairy Queen, while supplies last. Deros from the Hollow Earth, along with their Aluminum Nazi Hell Creature allies, attach the remnants of the Mu continent civilization, and America and Spain decide to go ahead and hold the Spanish-American War.

Captain Nemo shaves his head in preparation for auditioning for the job of Captain Picard’s stand-in on “Star Trek”, while Electra stands around and makes snide observations, all the while unaware that she has been secretly impregnated with the offspring of former Secretary Of The Treasury Bert Lance and “Hee-Haw” star Minnie Pearl.

In a shocking finale, the Earth is blown off its axis by “powerful magnetic weapons much more powerful than atomic bombs”, which raise the sea level and kill everyone on Earth instantly, including Jean. However, Nadia lives, and using the Blue Water gem and several acts not suitable for publication in a family magazine, she brings Jean back to life, and together they become the Adam and Eve of a new mankind. The end.


Wow! What a fantastically original and innovative show! Truly a pleasure to watch, especially the famous scene in episode #18 where the giant robot “Bob” Dobbs is hurled off the cliff by the force of the exploding bananas. How we laughed!

Rumor has it that the Gainax gang is hard at work on a sequel, tentatively titled “Nadia II – Secret Of The Blue Ooze”, featuring previously unreleased footage from the first series, edited together with film of the Kennedy assassination and the 1968 Elvis “comeback” TV special. We can hardly wait!!!

3 comments:

Wendy said...

I LOL'd. ;-D Brilliant!

(And yes, I did live through the "Nadia" craze, *grumble*. I never could get into the show.)

Chris Sobieniak said...

This made my day as usual! This is the sort of writing I love to read!

chesty morgan said...
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