Ask The Con Nazi

There aren't any anime cons happening this summer, so anime fans across America are forced to reminisce about all the great times had at anime cons of the past. Others reminisce about how one fan's "great time" is another fan's "annoying nonsense", and still others think back to when every attempt to rein in jerky behavior was met with defiance and disbelief, when anyone who supported the kind of guidelines necessary to keep ten or twenty or fifty thousand people all moving around safely was slandered as a "Con Nazi." That's why we wrote the following Anime Jump column back in the first boom time of anime conventions, the middle 2000s, when legions of overgrown children decided Japanese animation gatherings were their place to engage in binge drinking, shoplifting, stalking, and vandalism -and that was just the staffers! The attendees? Don't even ask! So, keep all this in mind as you enjoy this completely fictional column that is intended for entertainment purposes only and does not involve any ACTUAL fascists. 

Want to know why anime cons do the things they do? Does con security piss you off? Do they not understand that this is your happening and it freaks you out? Our expert RUDOLF P. SCHWEINHUND left a remarkable career in Europe to act as an advisor to many American anime conventions and has provided assistance to some of our largest and most well-regimented organizations. He's received many questions over the years from various fandom groups and war crimes tribunals, and here he's happy to share these queries and his thoughts with anime fandom at large.

Dear Con Nazi,

Why was I thrown out of (NAME OF CON DELETED)? All I did was follow (NAME OF GUEST DELETED) around all weekend long. And I camped outside her hotel room door. And I took 150 pictures of her for use on my web shrine. And I bought three giant stuffed animals for her, and one time she looked thirsty so I brought her bottled water, and some other people wanted to talk to her but I made sure they were really true fans of (NAME OF GUEST DELETED) and not just trying to be cool. And (NAME OF GUEST DELETED) seemed kind of disturbed and freaked out, and I didn't know why, but I told her that I'd do anything to make her feel better! Except leave her alone! And then Con Security asked me to leave her alone, and I said that it was a free country and I could stalk anybody I wanted to! And then they threw me out! Why are people so cruel? Especially police?

THE CON NAZI REPLIES:

People are cruel because of the thin veneer of humanity separating man from beast. Forget your celebrity obsessions and concentrate on the dark depths of your own soul. Also learn some boundaries, stupid.

actual anime fans circa 1997

Dear Con Nazi,

I'm a dealer, and I have a lot of merchandise that some people, like the FBI, would characterize as "bootleg", because they're just big meanies. I was at (NAME OF CON DELETED) and I was selling my stuff as usual, and the con staff asked me to quit selling "bootlegs", because when I paid for the table I apparently had signed a contract saying I wouldn't sell "bootlegs". So I took my "bootlegs" off the table, and then ten minutes I put them back on the table, and the con staff nailed me again, and I took them off the table for ten minutes, and then put them back on the table, and then do you know what this con did? They made me take EVERYTHING off my table and go home! My question is not whether or not they can legally do this, since they obviously can. My question is... well, I really don't have a question. I just wanted to make sure people knew that I can read and sign contracts, and yet I still think I don't have to follow them.

THE CON NAZI REPLIES:

Yes, the rules are for suckers. I bet smart guys like you really get a kick out of seeing your non-refundable tables stand empty for two days because you couldn't read or wouldn't follow a contract. You're too important to follow those rules! Or run a successful business!

Dear Con Nazi,

I was at (NAME OF CON DELETED) and I saw an artists alley table that was empty late at night. So me and my pals sat down there, and took the artists' name card and wrote on it, and I was doing some REALLY AWESOME sketches of Goku and stuff, and then the actual artist showed up, and when she told me to leave I was all like, "what are you gonna do, call teh cops?" and then she ACTUALLY WENT AND GOT THE COPS! So when I saw the cops I ran, and when they caught me I told them I didn't speak English. Which is more or less true. What I want to know is, what kind of world is it where COOL, AWESOME GUYS LIKE ME can't just steal things and get away with it?

THE CON NAZI REPLIES:

What kind of world is it? Planet Earth, that's what kind of world it is.

actual anime fans circa 2006

Dear Con Nazi,

I went to a con, and I really liked it, and yet me and my friends felt that we should show that con how knowledgeable we are about the con business. Because we've actually staffed conventions ourselves! So we wrote a three-page email detailing everything that went wrong with that convention, and we didn't sign our names, and we sent it to the convention, and THEY DIDN'T TAKE ANY OF OUR SUGGESTIONS SERIOUSLY! Why weren't our recommendations given the respect they deserved?

THE CON NAZI REPLIES:

Oh, but they WERE.

Dear Con Nazi,

There's a rule at some conventions that REALLY PISSES ME OFF. I don't want to say what the rule is, but it involves me writing really stupid things on pieces of cardboard and then wearing the cardboard on my shirt like a sign. Sometimes I'll write pathetic pleas for attention, and other times I'll write pathetic pleas for cash. Either way it's sure to get lots of people to look at me and it's a lot easier than actually meeting people by introducing myself and speaking to them. It's also easier than actually working for my own money. So anyway, SOME CONVENTIONS THAT I WILL NOT NAME have made up these terrible Nazi rules that are totally infringing on our freedom of speech and not allowing us to be free to express ourselves! As good Americans what should we do to combat this assault upon our God-given freedoms?

THE CON NAZI REPLIES:

You are fully guaranteed the free exercise of all of the Constitutional freedoms that you have as American citizens, and you're free to exercise these freedoms on your God-given American sidewalks, outside of the convention center in the God-given American sunshine and the God-given American fresh air. Inside the convention, however, you have to obey the convention rules, so, as we say in Germany, tough titty.

actual anime fans circa 2000

Dear Con Nazi,

I was at a convention, and the con staff was really on a power trip. I don't want to say how exactly, but it was if they were trying to control a crowd of a few thousand people! I mean, as if! Oh, it burned me up. So I got onto the convention message board after the convention, and I spent two solid weeks complaining, and how this completely ruined the entire weekend for me, and how the convention staff was all (EXPLETIVE DELETED) morons who obviously are (EXPLETIVE DELETED) and couldn't run a successful convention ever! So they banned me from the message board! This of course proves I'm right and they're wrong. Right?

THE CON NAZI REPLIES:

Yes, you are "right." "Right" in the sense of "complete asshat."

Dear Con Nazi,

Me and my friends really like a certain Japanese cultural phenomenon. Even though this phenomenon doesn't have a lot to do with Japanese animation, the only place we can get together and enjoy this certain phenomenon with fellow fans is at Japanese animation conventions. My question is, is it wrong to whine and complain and endlessly bitch and moan until every Japanese animation convention has devoted itself entirely to pleasing our small minority of obsessed fans?

THE CON NAZI REPLIES:

Yes.

actual anime fans circa 1997

Dear Con Nazi,

I was working staff at an anime con, and one time I showed up to work and I started messing around with the cash box that had a few thousand dollars in it, and the staff director told me to knock it off, and I told him he couldn't tell me what to do, and he told me that yeah, as long as I was on staff, he certainly COULD tell me what to do, and then I said that I was gonna kick his ass, and he said oh really, and before I knew it I was thrown off staff!

THE CON NAZI REPLIES:

Good.

The CON NAZI's column appears every week in 87 newspapers worldwide. He is eager to resist the onslaught of any and all questions sent his way. If you have questions or commentary, feel free to contact him at: Con Nazi, Der Adlerhorst, Neu Berchtesgaden, Argentina.